You're everything I thought you never were.

"Give him another chance."

How many chances am I suppose to give him? How many times has he had me in tears. Are you not happy that I'm finally thinking of letting go. It's been three years, why will no one let me pull away. I'm not happy.
I haven't been happy in years. Not when it comes to us anyway.
Everyone see's how poorly you treat me, I just explained the extent of it further to someone and you know what, they stuck up for you! No body see's how this effects me. Actually they probably do, it's just no one cares.
You deserve another chance, or so they say. So is that implying they think I deserve this?
You're not the best friend I once had. Then again none of the lot are.
A tiny bit of me resents you. But the worse thing is, yeah you're probably more than I deserve.

Just tell me one thing. Someone, anyone. How long till I forget about you.
Can it really be that long now?
I'm dying here.

..

That broke my heart. I'm sorry, I'm still here, whenever, no matter what, I love you.

In our family portrait me look pretty happy, pretty normal, lets go back to that?

Dear daddy, you always used to let us down and I still thought you were the most amazing person on this planet. But if you do this I don't know how I'll forgive you. You spent so long just to throw it all away now, what happened to unconditional love? I didn't even judge you when you told me all that time ago about her, infact I blamed mum when she played no part. But now I do. I never thought someone like you could do this, ever. What happens a few years down the line, is that gonna be one of the us, me or the other two?
I never thought I'd ever be disappointed in you but today you let me down daddy. And it tears me apart.
Who am I meant to believe in now, now that my hero turns out to be just like everyone else.
I love you daddy, but I just can't face you right now. I'm sorry.

Even when I'm with my boo, boy you know I'm crazy over you.

Hey baby.
I think I'm gonna delete my blog. The one I made just for letters to you. Don't get me wrong, I still care for you so so much but it's time I let go right. After all you did, years ago infact. Since everything back then I hung on every word you said, continuously, without even thinking, do you know how much shit this landed me in? Yanno what really gets me? You know exactly what you were doing all this time, you knew how much it hurt me and yet you carried on. What was it, if you couldn't have me no one else could? See I've realised how dumb I've been. I've found the most amazing guy, he treats me like I'm a queen, better than you ever, ever, treated me. I have no doubt that you'll meet him. After all even after all this I'll still have you as my best friend, I can't bear to let you go. Even though you still treat me like shit as a best friend. All I did was protect you, the best for you, to help you. Where's my thanks?

I guess I'm writing this just to let you know now it's time to what's best for me.
And I'm writing it 'cause lets face it, I wouldn't ever have the balls to say it to you and I wouldn't ever let you see this 'cause well I'd be lost if I lost you.

Love, that pathetic piece of shit, Becky.

I always say that I don't need you but it's always gonna come right down to this.

Hi disappointment. Hi paranoia. Oh and hi loneliness.

This is just great fun. ;/

I'm a trainwreck in the morning, I'm a bitch in the afternoon.

Oh hai there my dear old friend paranoia. Do you come back just to remind me that I'm a complete nut job? Making me doubt one person, that I know cares about me so so much, so then I act weird with them and now they're all worried and for what? Nothing. All because I have a fucking screw loose or something I swear.

So since Sunday everything's just got worse and worse.
Don't get me wrong I had a great holiday, an amazing one with my nephews and sisters and daddy, I love them millions but on the last day we got food poisoning.
Then I came back to Letchworth Wednesday and these last two days have just been days when I've just wanted to sit and cry. After being ill having everyone treat me like shit was just not what I needed. I mean they're meant to be my "closest friends" and yet none of them even have any respect for each other any more. I don't want to be a part of that any more, at all, but what choice do I have, where else am I wanted. And then there's missing James on top of it all.

I feel like that's all I go on about ha. So I'm just not going to go into it now.

Results in about 17 days and I'm not even bothered at all. I know I haven't done as well as I should have but I just don't give a shit. Probably kinda bad but hay hoe.

Holiday tomorrow. Wow a whole week with mother talking to me like I'm an inconvience, yay can't wait. Oh well at least it's away from this shit hole.

This blog has been one giant moan so I apologise.
On that note, goodbye.

Your words in my memory, are like music to me.

Hey you, I was gonna write yesterday but then I just didn't know what to put. I kept writing a load of shit, words that didn't do you justice. But just now I was thinking about all the things I wanted to say and then saw you'd been of facebook and I don't know I felt, kind of, guilty. Like you were expecting me to have sent you a message and I'd disappointed you, let you down. I'm sorry for that baby, especially when you go to the effort of sending me a text daily.
That text ah. Seeing your name pop up on my phone yesterday was such a surprise, an amazing one at that, it put the biggest smile on my face and then today every time my phone went off every bit of me was just hoping it was you. Ha that's so sad I know right?
Thing is I don't know if I'm going to be able to reply to them while in Bulgaria. My daddy rang me earlier and told me I have to leave my phone at home while we're gone 'cause he can't afford any charges, which he already has but oh well. I told him I was taking it, whether I'll have signal or be able to reply without it getting confiscated is another issue but I'll try, I promise you I'll try. And if I can't I'll definitely find a way of getting on Facebook, believe me baby.
I also just wanted to say thank you for seeing me on Sunday night. I went back to the bench today ha, went for a walk and just stopped there, gosh I'm such a loser ha.

Any way that's enough of me moaning and going on. How's the holiday going? You having fun?
You better not be getting any more tanned I swear ha, I'll look like a ghost compared to you in the end ;L.
Ah I went to see Toy Story 3 today, it's amazing! Nearly cried though mind ;L, ha I make myself sound so so cool don't I. Maybe I need a life ;).
Now I'm just making crappy small talk ha, oh dear I'll stop.

I guess I'll speak to you soon then, I'll be looking forward to my text tomorrow ;).
Have fun, I miss you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx