a kiss with a fist is better than none.

Such a good weekend :').

Friday 2 hour phone call, then just round Rachaels was good times. Love for our "lets just eat everything in the house" sessions haha.

The Saturday going daddy's and shopping round Bedford with my new sexy umbrella, chinese for dindins and talking about good times.

Then today, shopping again, yay. Coming home and just spending time with you, only if it was a few hours. Beating you at chess, ha we're cool. Hmm you amaze me.

Then mummy spending over two hundred quid on dresses for me :'). This is good times.

Everything is so perfect, so why am i doing that. I don't want to ruin it, but if i carry on and you find out, it's inevitable. I will stop, I promise, no more. That's the old me, as much as its easy to be her I know deep down I don't want to be.

For now, I have three litres of coke so bring it on coursework! ha (a).

Ciao.

eeeeee

Everything about you makes me smile beyond belief.I haven't been like this in so so long.
Thank you. Thank you so much.

Me encanta tu, tienes mi corazon.

EEEEEEEE ;).

help me to believe this time

I'M SO HAPPY :').

That's all. 

you are such a male

Ahhhh bludy hell, I feel crappy (Y).

:')

"You're a disgrace... I'm proud".

Ha I love the quotes Rachael comes out with.

I just love her really.

I can't believe I lost all of my coursework, fucking kill me now?

I hate that god damn memory stick to be honest.

Tonight has cheered me up greatly from that little episode though.
Rachael and Sally, possibly the best people on this planet.
Then on the phone for an hour just smiling :').
Ahh I'm cute ha.

"We're going to be all right baby."
I agree, we are, everything is going good, this is perfect :').

And Dino survived the apocalypse.
Everything is right with the world.

Once again I have infected you with my happiness, I'm proud.
Good night xx

blonde..

haaa i tried to follow someone else and somehow followed myself? lmao :')

you got the love i need to see me through

Why hello darling, don't worry, I've missed you too ;).

Do you know what I've decided? I'm so thankful for my life right now.

I promised myself at the start of this year it wouldn't be anything like last year, that I would somehow turn everything I possibly could into a positive and I have. To be honest I've never been happier.

All my coursework is slowly but surely getting up to date and I have to say I am actually rather proud of some of it. I know pride is a sin but forgive me?

I have the most amazing friends EVER. Seriously they put such huge smiles on my face and I know that they are always here when I need them, they're cute.

Then there's you. I don't even know. You just make me smile. Yeah there's a bit of me that still isn't sure because well I've not let anyone in in so long, but you are basically me, you understand me, it's truly amazing. Just know this make take time because well I'm a bit scared but my second new years resolution solves this dilemma for me. Shrodingers cat; you never know until you open the box :).

My amazing family too. Spending time with my daddy and sisters and nephews this weekend was just the best. I don't think there has ever been a time when I haven't been happy when I'm with my nephews, they're like my everything. My sisters are too, especially my little sister these days, she's like one of the closest friends I have, I love that. Daddy and mummy too. I seriously am blessed.

I don't even care who thinks this is stupid, but turning back to religion at the beginning of this year I feel has really helped me. I have faith in not only myself but everyone else around me, I think this has really helped me.

Everything's going so right right now, I'm so happy, I even have a huge smile just writing this.

I just thought I'd inform you.

Also smile bubba's :).

Anyhow now I'm off to my bed to do more coursework until ridiculous times in the morning,

bye.

:)

Wow last night = truly amazing. I love my friends so much.

I haven'y slept, but my power nap means I am actually not very tired right now. I should probably eat but that will most probably make me ill so I'm going to pass on that one, ha.

Now I guess I best tidy up seen as my house is trashed and mother doesn't actually know I had a rather large sized gathering ha.

Thank you all for making last night amazing, I love you guys.

I'm not your toy, see you around I guess.

Woah, I haven't written in so long, ha.
Ha, I turn on the Brit awards and the first person that's on is Dizzee Rascal, fait? I think so ;). I'm a tad to obsessed maybe, LOL.

Anyhow my weekend has been great :').
Friday night at George's was pretty good if I'm honest, I love my friends so so much.
Then Saturday shopping with the best friend, was good times.Then we went to Alex's and got ready for Rebecca and Charlotte's party. Which was amazing from what I remember, LOL at the lies I was told by someone though and I actually believed you that night, never again.
Sunday then I had to wake up early and play football, still a bit drunk, but it was funny. Every time I kicked the ball I thought I was going to fall over and Zoe nearly stamped on my head LOL. Had to play the whole game as well as we only had ten players, still won though, well done girls :). After that I went to Rachael's and had my face painted as a panda, as you do. Was Hilarious if you ask me ha.
Then yesterday with my best friend after I got my hair cut, which I don't like, full fringe :| ahh. Paha funny things last night though and I feel this has to be mentioned.
I said you only had one chance left and I'm a girl of my word. The only reason you spoke to me was to have ago at me for something I never even did. I seriously do not need a "best" friend who is going to treat me like a second class citizen when actually I've always been the bigger person when it came to us. I've always been the one to apologize and sort everything out, not this time though. You blew it. I can't take it any more. You walk around as if I deserve all this and you deserve nothing. I'm actually the one that doesn't deserve your crap mate, I hope you come to realize what big a mistake you've made. I guess I always was way better off without you.

Anyhow just had football training now I'm sorting out and then having a night in with my best friend, sounds good to me.
Bye for now bubba's xx




& now you want to pretend that your a superstar
& all you want is to end what's taken you this far
don't tell me that you're done as far as we go
you need to have a sit down with your ego.
When everyone's gone and you're all by yourself
you know you're gonna come to me for help
don't tell me that its time for going solo
you need to have a sit down with you ego.

all good things must end..

You, just you, there's no other way for me to start this but to say I am sorry.

I don't even know what for, I always seem to be the one saying it without knowing why, all I know is I truly am.

More than anything though I want to thank you. Thank you for everything you've done, even hurting me. See 'cause even when you hurt me, you made me stronger and when I really did need you, you were there. Maybe not so much any more, but you were. I guess that's basically my point. I feel this, her, is the beginning of our end. I get why don't worry, it's okay, and even when it goes pear shaped I'll be here for you, I promise. What sort of close friend would I be if I didn't? 

It wont be easy though, and forgive me if I try and hold on for a little bit. I sort of have to. I some how can't come to grips with it completely being the end I guess. I've even made friends with someone in order to save our friendship, you didn't see that one coming did you, ha. You used to be everything back when I had nothing and no you're turning into the nothing, you can see why that'd hard right?

And if I come out with random outbursts of anger, forgive me for that too. I know I've done this in the past, but when I didn't speak to you for a week, it was the harder, longest week ever. I'll have to get used to it I suppose.

So just thank you, for being there and just reassuring me when nothing was going right.
Thank you for putting huge smiles on my face constantly.

Thank you for making me strong.

Thank you for bringing me close to all these amazing people.

But mostly, thank you for being you.

I'll miss you freak ;).

xxxx

mannnn

I've missed talking to you. Always did make me smile.

mmmm

I have so many things i want to say, i just don't know the words. ;/
Its amazing how much i don't know right now, about everything. I've never been the type to not know, i don't handle it well. Everyone comes to me for answers and now i don't have them, what do i do?
Its like everything just happens at once as well, it's crazy and my forty minute jog did not help anything. Also it made my ankle injury come back, not overly happy about that. Now i have bad knees, a terrible ankle and a bruised bone in my finger, god help me tomorrow ha.
I'm going to stay positive though i decided, it cant get that bad again, never, i wont let it.
WOAH i'm tired all the time recently ha.
What the last three days have made me realise is how much i love my best friend and leonie brydon and kelley wray. My saviours much ha.

Oh my i love asda right now too, they have my bra size i was so amazed by this, bye bye £25 per bra at la senza ;) ha.
Tomorrows tuesday, yay, love for them days tbh.
I write so much crap on here lmao.
Anyhow i guess i best sleep, night xx

.

hmmmm,
this week has been so so crap, i cant wait for the next one.
even though im dreading english tomorrow.
and eurgh i feel so confused and also let down
im so confused about this,
you're the only person i can actually have an intellectual conversation with
and i love talking to you
but no, i just dont think so .. ;/
and eurgh you, always, its like you dont have time for me anymore
when i need you most
what happened to us staying just as close huh?
now all of a sudden we're hardly anything anymore, i realy dont like it, at all ;/

haa i feel like crying right noww ;/
HAAA
im pathetic.

HAA

i was gonna write a nice little blog but you just ruined it
you serious are a dickhead and the worst bit is we still put up with you in hope
you know what you mean to us and yet you dont care one bit about us
just no, not for me, for her.
im strong, shes not so strong.


andd woahhhh i feel mean about yesterday
shes gonna kill me if she finds out ;/ HAAA

only boring people get bored.

i am led to believe my illness is due to over tiredness, yet this does not mean i will go to sleep ontime anytime soon...
i have unbelievable amounts of cba right now. however i have actually done quite a bit of my media work so i am rather proud of that
who knows what im doing tonight, i so hope im allowed out or i may cry pahaa.
ive just realised how boring my life has become in the last few days, i dont like it.
someone bring me some excitement please?
i'll love you forever?
haaa

right now im going to get in the bath, and then do my hair because i have nothing better to do with my time, yays for me. ha.
xx

today i have posted to many blogs

"be not afraid of greatness,
some were born great,
some achieve greatness
and some have greatness thrust upon them"


today despite everything i am now in a rather jolly mood
my physiotherapist has though now made my knee kill 
but i have to say the highlight of my day was cracking up at whoever made that facebook group about me being a sket
HA love for them
made my night :')


i've decided im not gonna be that person who gives up all hope again
ive gotta keep my head held high and im gonna do it, 
cause i can see myself slowly creeping back into this downwards spiral that i dont want to be in


i think most things ive had to say today and been quite clear in previous blogs tonight, 
and im extreme amounts of tired
so night night xxxx

mmm

go play in traffic.

arghhh

This isn't here for you to be nosey then bitch about what I put.
It's not for you, it's for my gain.
Please fuck off and grow the fuck up.
Dickhead.

:'/

my dearest friend,
if i can still call you that.
i feel as if it is important to let you know, i'm okay. I mean there's been up and downs and times when all i wanted was to talk to you but i've pulled through, just like you said i always would.
More importantly i think you really should know there's not a day when i don't think about you. we used to talk everyday about everything, you were the only one i ever really trusted and then you made me lose all faith in everyone. you knew everything and yet walked away knowing i was probably unable to cope, but then again i guess you knew i had it in my right? you always believed in me, even when i didn't believe in myself. you ran to help me when i was about to do something completely stupid, you were like my superman in some ways i guess. At least everyday there's a point when ill think about something that will upset me and i'll go to text you 'cause you're the only one who really understands or i'd be over happy and want to text you so you could join me. 
just tuesday after the funeral there was only one person i wanted to call, you. you always knew what to say to put my head up again and you always knew how to make me laugh even when i didn't want to, whether it was telling me a truly awful joke or talking to me about peas ha.
i remember the first time i ever met you and you gave me your jacket when i was shivering because well you have such a kind heart and then you went and ran through the fountain in town, in the middle of december, ha you were soaked. and the time after that you were all spraying deodorant on your arms and then setting them light, oh my i was so scared when you started doing that, like crazy scared, but it made us all laugh.
and that party, i don't know why i was just have uncontrollable crying fits and you were there, you always were, we just went in to a corner and had our chats. That was the first time you spoke to me about her, you had such a smile on your face. i never ever wanted to ruin what you two had believe me, i was so happy that you were happy, you deserve to be. i get why it all happened, i understand why you said the things to me that you did, you thought it would be easier for both of us if i hated you right? so you gave me a reason to. truth is i never really hated you, not one little bit. i couldn't possibly, you helped me too much. And i remember my then boyfriend didn't ever understand why i was crying so much at the fact of losing you. no one really did. i saw it in your eyes when i walked past you that you were sorry, so i think you should know, you are forgiven. you always have been and i'm sorry too. 
maybe not for that whole situation, i still don't feel that was much my fault, but for not listening to you. you always helped me and hardly ever did i ask how you were feeling, i wish i did. i truly am sorry if you wanted me to, i hope you forgive me for that.
i'm writing this as today i was walking home and walked past you and we didn't smile at each other not even half heartedly, we didn't even exchange a glance. if i'm honest, it broke my heart. i wish i had a chance to go back and keep you safe with me, but it's too late for that now.
my dearest friend, i miss you with my whole heart, everyday.

(L)

It ain't easy to say goodbye
darling please don't start to cry
Cause girl you know I've got to go, oh
Lord I wish it wasn't so

Save tonight
and fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow
tomorrow I'll be gone

Save tonight
and fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow
tomorrow I'll be gone 


<3

;/

today has been an emotional day, i cant count the amount of times ive just cried
it only really hit today,
the service wade beautiful though, what he deserved,
rest in peace gareth lusty, forever missed baby <3

his family are in my prayers.


it made me realise how much i love my friends and family
ahh my friends today keeping eachother strong,
i love you guys, alot.

i dont think anything more is to be said,
except sweet dreams angel xx

woahhh

who'd have known one piece of writing could make me feel so sad and yet so scared at the same time
i haven't cried so much since the whole thing happened, i have even really thought about it all, i've just sort of pushed it to one side
and everyone thats read it so far has cried ha, imagine if they went through it
im so dreading her reading it, well not really reading more asking me if i want help
actually she'll probably just take it further without asking
i dont know if i could cope with that
oh my, i still cant believe i handed it in,
i never talk to anyone about anything, i even found it so hard to write it down
and yet i did and i hadnt it to her,
and she could give it to anyone
its her job to inform someone,
why did i do it, why. ;/

major love for leonie brydon tonight, im glad i can tell her this sort of shizzle yanno :)
ive already said that before but hay hoe ;L

ahh im so tired and ceebs for anymore coursework but it so needs to get done,
ahh it can wait till after my sleep i guess ;)

oh tomorrow is going to be so so horrible,
im gonna cry i can tell,
rest in piece gareth <3




and one last thing argh you!
she tells you not to wear them bracelets so you listen to her
you're talking to her again so you dont have time for me anymore
i dont know why i put up with it
i swear to god if you get with her,
you'll lose me all together and i mean it this time
and so does she tooo.
you just dont do that,
but watch me put up with you until that happens, ima dick.



Despite of all this, im in an alrighty mood :)
night bubba's xxx


im not your number one enemy although you seem to be getting me a little confused with the way you're treating me, we get along every now and then, we need to tie up the loose ends...
stop im not your number one enemy