You're everything I thought you never were.

"Give him another chance."

How many chances am I suppose to give him? How many times has he had me in tears. Are you not happy that I'm finally thinking of letting go. It's been three years, why will no one let me pull away. I'm not happy.
I haven't been happy in years. Not when it comes to us anyway.
Everyone see's how poorly you treat me, I just explained the extent of it further to someone and you know what, they stuck up for you! No body see's how this effects me. Actually they probably do, it's just no one cares.
You deserve another chance, or so they say. So is that implying they think I deserve this?
You're not the best friend I once had. Then again none of the lot are.
A tiny bit of me resents you. But the worse thing is, yeah you're probably more than I deserve.

Just tell me one thing. Someone, anyone. How long till I forget about you.
Can it really be that long now?
I'm dying here.

..

That broke my heart. I'm sorry, I'm still here, whenever, no matter what, I love you.

In our family portrait me look pretty happy, pretty normal, lets go back to that?

Dear daddy, you always used to let us down and I still thought you were the most amazing person on this planet. But if you do this I don't know how I'll forgive you. You spent so long just to throw it all away now, what happened to unconditional love? I didn't even judge you when you told me all that time ago about her, infact I blamed mum when she played no part. But now I do. I never thought someone like you could do this, ever. What happens a few years down the line, is that gonna be one of the us, me or the other two?
I never thought I'd ever be disappointed in you but today you let me down daddy. And it tears me apart.
Who am I meant to believe in now, now that my hero turns out to be just like everyone else.
I love you daddy, but I just can't face you right now. I'm sorry.

Even when I'm with my boo, boy you know I'm crazy over you.

Hey baby.
I think I'm gonna delete my blog. The one I made just for letters to you. Don't get me wrong, I still care for you so so much but it's time I let go right. After all you did, years ago infact. Since everything back then I hung on every word you said, continuously, without even thinking, do you know how much shit this landed me in? Yanno what really gets me? You know exactly what you were doing all this time, you knew how much it hurt me and yet you carried on. What was it, if you couldn't have me no one else could? See I've realised how dumb I've been. I've found the most amazing guy, he treats me like I'm a queen, better than you ever, ever, treated me. I have no doubt that you'll meet him. After all even after all this I'll still have you as my best friend, I can't bear to let you go. Even though you still treat me like shit as a best friend. All I did was protect you, the best for you, to help you. Where's my thanks?

I guess I'm writing this just to let you know now it's time to what's best for me.
And I'm writing it 'cause lets face it, I wouldn't ever have the balls to say it to you and I wouldn't ever let you see this 'cause well I'd be lost if I lost you.

Love, that pathetic piece of shit, Becky.

I always say that I don't need you but it's always gonna come right down to this.

Hi disappointment. Hi paranoia. Oh and hi loneliness.

This is just great fun. ;/

I'm a trainwreck in the morning, I'm a bitch in the afternoon.

Oh hai there my dear old friend paranoia. Do you come back just to remind me that I'm a complete nut job? Making me doubt one person, that I know cares about me so so much, so then I act weird with them and now they're all worried and for what? Nothing. All because I have a fucking screw loose or something I swear.

So since Sunday everything's just got worse and worse.
Don't get me wrong I had a great holiday, an amazing one with my nephews and sisters and daddy, I love them millions but on the last day we got food poisoning.
Then I came back to Letchworth Wednesday and these last two days have just been days when I've just wanted to sit and cry. After being ill having everyone treat me like shit was just not what I needed. I mean they're meant to be my "closest friends" and yet none of them even have any respect for each other any more. I don't want to be a part of that any more, at all, but what choice do I have, where else am I wanted. And then there's missing James on top of it all.

I feel like that's all I go on about ha. So I'm just not going to go into it now.

Results in about 17 days and I'm not even bothered at all. I know I haven't done as well as I should have but I just don't give a shit. Probably kinda bad but hay hoe.

Holiday tomorrow. Wow a whole week with mother talking to me like I'm an inconvience, yay can't wait. Oh well at least it's away from this shit hole.

This blog has been one giant moan so I apologise.
On that note, goodbye.

Your words in my memory, are like music to me.

Hey you, I was gonna write yesterday but then I just didn't know what to put. I kept writing a load of shit, words that didn't do you justice. But just now I was thinking about all the things I wanted to say and then saw you'd been of facebook and I don't know I felt, kind of, guilty. Like you were expecting me to have sent you a message and I'd disappointed you, let you down. I'm sorry for that baby, especially when you go to the effort of sending me a text daily.
That text ah. Seeing your name pop up on my phone yesterday was such a surprise, an amazing one at that, it put the biggest smile on my face and then today every time my phone went off every bit of me was just hoping it was you. Ha that's so sad I know right?
Thing is I don't know if I'm going to be able to reply to them while in Bulgaria. My daddy rang me earlier and told me I have to leave my phone at home while we're gone 'cause he can't afford any charges, which he already has but oh well. I told him I was taking it, whether I'll have signal or be able to reply without it getting confiscated is another issue but I'll try, I promise you I'll try. And if I can't I'll definitely find a way of getting on Facebook, believe me baby.
I also just wanted to say thank you for seeing me on Sunday night. I went back to the bench today ha, went for a walk and just stopped there, gosh I'm such a loser ha.

Any way that's enough of me moaning and going on. How's the holiday going? You having fun?
You better not be getting any more tanned I swear ha, I'll look like a ghost compared to you in the end ;L.
Ah I went to see Toy Story 3 today, it's amazing! Nearly cried though mind ;L, ha I make myself sound so so cool don't I. Maybe I need a life ;).
Now I'm just making crappy small talk ha, oh dear I'll stop.

I guess I'll speak to you soon then, I'll be looking forward to my text tomorrow ;).
Have fun, I miss you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT.

You can all sit there and write all that anonymous shit about me on that website.
Go on call me a home wrecking whore, tell me I'm the slut in this situation. That I'm heartless. Go for it but you don't know shit. None of you do.
No one except us to know what really happened and when I say no one I mean no one, all because I tried to protect him so I just told the extent that he wanted to tell.
Only one other person other than us two saw the other part of it too. The texts.
All of this I did to protect him and yet he turns around and blames me too.
You all fucking blame me.

Not gonna lie it's finally gotten to me. Mostly because I do not, one bit deserve the amount of shit I've got compaired to everyone else.

Fuck you all, I'm done.

Everyday is special, you have made me believe.

Hold me in your arms cause I'm falling.


Oh hey. Wow I haven't blogged in a while, I have a lot to fill you in on. So this is going to be overly long :').

Firstly I had the most amazing week with my best friend. T4 on the beach was great once again, oh my PIXIE LOTT(L). FML I'm in love!
And Dizzee Rascal, but no words can explain how amazing he is.
Just a week chilling at the beach away from here, was well great. I love love love love love the beach!
Roll on next year again, a whole group of us me thinks, should be fab.

Then in fourteen days BULGARIA ;'D. With my sisters my daddy and my gorgeous nephews! Oh my I CANNOT wait at all :'). I miss them so so so much! First holiday with them, eeeek ;'D.
I love my family.
Which leads me on to my mummy, who I have missed dearly whilst on my travels. It's her 50th on Friday and I have no idea what to get her cause to be honest the woman deserves more than the world but somehow I don't think I can get that. I best get my thinking cap on.

I love the fact summer has final started, well it started last weekend. School's over and I love having the next couple of weeks to myself while the others are still at school and that.
Dancing round my house in my underwear time me thinks ;). I also love how your school has finished now so I can spend this time with you, but we'll come on to you in a bit :').

On a downer I miss my Rachael, I haven't seen her in like two weeks or some shit now? Sad sad sad times and now she's fucked off to Spain ;(. I need to tell her about stuff starting with last Friday.

You just you. I don't really know what to say. I know I'm keeping it quiet but I don't know just don't want it to get ruined I guess? We'll see, but thank you:').
FML when the month and a half without talking to you comes around though ;/.

EEE as you can tell I'm in an amazing mood, roll on the rest of the summer starting with my first proper match for Arlesey Ladies tomorrow, B:fest tonight, Football awards Thursday and party on Friday ;'D ;'D ;'D.
Toodles.

I'm so tired of all of these lies.

I'm sorry when did my business become your business? Ass hole.
After everything I've done for you, you still turn round and speak so rudely to me? Fuck off then.
You're the mug not me.


Otherwise, I'M SO HAPPYYYYYY ;'D.

Maybe I need some rehab, or maybe just need some sleep.

Alright blog, 'ow ya doing?
Me personally, I'm doing amazing right now. I so so so love this summer already. It's soo hot! I've seen loads of different mates, been shopping soo much ;'D, met the most amazing teams ever in the form or LHC and ATFC and and and it's only the start ;'D.
Induction next week, should be a laugh if I'm honest. And I'm not gonna lie I quite like this whole uniform thing now with the amount of new clothes I've got, that's always good times. I swear to god if I get eggs thrown at me though I will not be happy ha.
Then then then a week tomorrow I'm off to Weston super mare with my best friend! T4 ON THE BEACH 2O1O! Four years running now. This year is gonna be the best one yet me thinks. I'm so looking forward to it. It's came around so quickly too eeeeee!
Then I'm back in good ol' Letchy for like a week when daddy whisks me away to Bulgaria for two weeks. With my nephews this year! Oh my goodness! I'm gonna love love love love love that holiday so much. I very exciteee!
Then home for one night and holiday with mummy for a week. EEEEE ;'D.
Then volunteering for the rest of the summer hopefully.
I'm so so so looking forward to it.
Kinda anxious about this summer too. I'll be able to see someone like once? And then I wont be able to speak to them for about a month and a half. What if in that time it all changes? I like it how it is, slowly progressing. And yeah, I think, I may, kind of, like like them ;/. FML moment right there ha! This scares me, a  lot. Well we'll see dear, we'll see.
For now I am off too eat my chicken and then off out before going to bed and waking up to another sunny day round the Anderson household ;'D.
Byeeeeeee.

Maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me

And after all you're my wonderwall.

oh hai I'm Becky and I tend to just write letters to people on here.

Hey you :).
How's the whole boring walking thing-ma-jig going? Missing me aren't you ;) ha!
Okay so I haven't spoken to you since Saturday and I know you joked around that I'd miss you but thing is I seriously do miss talking to you, after two blady days ;/.
And I've still got another day to go, it seems so weird.
That can't mean anything, can it?
See thing is you, well you're just amazing really aren't you? You're one of the people I'm closest to right now and I wouldn't ever want to do anything to hurt you. Which is why I don't think I do want an "us". I couldn't possibly hurt you, that would be to unfair and lets be honest, this is me, it's inevitable I'll hurt you. And then when it breaks down where would that leave us? Can you even imagine how awkward it would be at hockey meets. In fact I don't think I'd come, after all they were your friends first weren't they.
Also I'm scared for it to happen. Not scared that it'll fuck up and all go wrong but scared that actually I might do something right? Can you imagine ha!
Basically I'm sorry for not knowing what the hell I want, my head is so so so confused right now. akjajkdfkjaskjdhcn Bleh.
I basically just wanted to write to tell you actually yeah I already miss you and I hope you're having a good time. I'll see you erm Wednesday maybe?
That's all for my pointless message. Bye.

lalalallaaaa

Okay so just a heads up this will be a long blog, with rants but good points too because actually life's pretty good right now minus a few cunts.

ARGH. ;ldknfkadbsh kh bds! I don't know why I let you get to me so much.
You bitch about me behind my back for trying to cheer someone up? Okay then. That's the one group of people I geniuenly thought didn't judge me and you changed that view and made my paranoia sky high. Thanks you stupid bitch. He's going through a hard time and you're not helping him. He's missing his dead mother that his "best friend" told him he belongs to be with right now for goodness sake. Do you not have a heart. I for one know what it's like to feel like the whole world around you is falling apart and you have no one, so if I want to be there and just tell him to keep his head up so that he knows he isn't actually alone so be it I will. You are not one to judge me when you don't know what I've been through or what he's going through at that. All I was trying to be is nice fucking hell. Mind my french.

And you, you're just a joker really aren't you. "Close friend", my fucking arse. Don't really think I need to say any more on that matter.

Soo things are actually going really well at the moment, exams aren't too hard, my selection of friends is decreasing yeah but at least I know they're the true ones. And to top it all off the world cup is on, love it!
I also love how I haven't panicked about exams or done any revision, this probably isn't a good thing but hay hoe what can ya do ;).
Today was amazing. Out with the sexy's was really fun. Picnic in kenedy with Miss Freer. I love her lots, keep smiling baby. Then the best friend came, even though we didn't get to see Terry ;). HA! Then football training, which was jokes, I do really feel a part of that group now, surprisingly it hasn't be that hard to leave :Letchworth now I have them, that's kinda dred but oh well.
Then you. Oh my goodness how do I thank you enough. You're always always there to cheer me up and make me feel better. You don't have to and I know that but you're just so lovely that you do it as second nature. You're the only person that put a smile on my face tonight when I was crying. you're amazing to me. It's great how after only a couple of months you've become one of my closest friends. I'll speak to you in the morning and no doubt all of tomorrow, and I know you don't read this but I really needed to say thanks. so thank you batmannn ;).

Anyhow best get some sleep, want to get up tomorrow and tidy up. Then having coffee with John, how sophisticated ;). Ha na that should be good :). Then off to Rand's cause I miss and love her lots.

Nanighttt xx

Could you walk in her shoes?

LOOOL Well I never, that's all my fault? What a surprise.
ALLOW.

I had such a good night, I haven't laughed that much in so so long.
Unbelievably happy right now.
So looking forward to this summer, bring it on.
That is all ;).

Just give me one chance to get it right?

So today I failed my exam.
Broke my Ipod.
Couldn't kick a ball straight for shit.
Popped my knee cap out.
Got told I look like a man.
Got told I'm pathetic because of my biggest fear.
Realised half my "friends" lie behind my back.
Got told I'm a home recking whore who is going to get no where in her life.
And lost a best friend.

What a successful day.

Hi, I'm Becky and I hate myself right now.
I'm beyond help.
And I have no one that will stand by me because I'm such a bitch that I push everyone that ever meant anything away some how.

Hi, I'm Becky and I give up.

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror.

Lets welcome back the Becky we all know and love.
The one where her biggest fear is herself.
Yup that's it, well done biology you made it hit home, I'm a failure.
I love how I use that term, because to me anything under an A is a fail (y).
Oh how I love this.
Fuck it, bed time.

You're better off alone.

I'm sick and tired of this.You treat me like complete shit far too often.
Everything's always my fucking fault. Always blaming me. If I ever got in a mood with you about half the stuff you got in a mood with me for, you'd tell me I was pathetic or actually no you'd turn it around on me, of course you would.
I'm done, do I really deserve to put up with this seriously?
What have I ever done so wrong to you. I've stuck by you through thick and thin.
Ah fuck this shit.
I'm done.
I started off with no one and I was better off that way.

And then there's you too. You're an asshole.
But tbh she deserves you. you'll never learn will you, cunt.

Allow.
Angry rant over.

We gonna dance on.

Last day was pretty amazing to be honest. Yes in the assembly I cried, a lot and reading a few peoples messages made me cry too. But just having a day of laughs was great.
It saddens me that I've only really started to talk to everyone now that it's come to the end but hay I guess that's just the way life is.
BBQ was pretty awesome too to be honest. Had a right laugh. I was gonna write something about a person here but  I've started a whole new blog for them so I'll leave it.

Basically I love class 2O1O.

Now I've had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you.

Class of twenty ten. Wow. I can't believe it's been five years already.
Prom was so so so amazing. Seeing everyone dressed up and how we've all come together as a year group, everyone was so lovely. And actually all looked so beautiful. It was incredible.
And the video, it was pretty darn awesome. I can't stop watching it. Anthem of our year group, good times roll deep, for sure! And the end song of the video gets me every time.
Oh my tomorrow's going to be so upsetting, I already cried today let alone it being the last day tomorrow.
I can't wait for the bbq, everyone together for the last time it'll be great.
And yes I know I'm staying next year, but people I've been to school with since I was 2 or 3 are going and I probably won't ever see them again, that makes me so so sad.
Oh dear, imagine how upset I'd be right now if I would have gotten into college ;/. Ha.


Roll of tomorrow, this is our day I guess.
Thankyou for the amazing memories, I love you class 2O1O <3 <3 <3.










Additional note, but also LGCE has come to an end.
Nine years of playing for them and all of a sudden nothing, it's all over.
Tuesday used to be my favourite day because I knew at the end of it, no matter how bad my day had been, those girls would put the biggest smile on my face.
I don't know what I'ma do with myself on a tuesday evening now, it's going to be so weird without you girls.
Thank you for being the best team I've ever ever come across.
I love you all so so much and am going to miss you every second.






"I'm gonna leave the day behind, don't you worry 'cause I'm gonna have a real good time".


This set me off in tears, I'ma wimp.

 No matter how much I'm falling apart, I'll do it with a smile on my face.

I miss you every second.

I miss everything about you, can't believe that I still want you.

Wow. I miss you so much I sit here and cry, nightly. It's so pathetic it's been days and I miss you. More than I ever thought I could miss anyone. Ever. It's crazy.
I can't believe I lost you, I can't believe you think I'm mad at you. I think about texting you and setting it straight but what if you don't care now?
I can't believe I'm going to celebrate my birthday without you. I don't know if I can do it.
Surely by now I should be over this. Or at least better at controlling it.
If I had one wish I'd use it on you.
And I know all I ever wanted was for you to be happy and believe me, I'm so glad you are. But that was suppose to be me.
I guess all I can say is I'm sorry.
I miss and love you, everyday.



Now that that's out of the way maybe I can fill my head with other things, like exam prep, which I haven't done ;/.
FML!
So the exam's aren't going too great but hay the only way is up right?
COLLEGE ARE FUCKING DICKHEADS!
And my tan is not very apparent.
But hay hoe, today's been a hell of a lot better than yesterday. I love love love my best friend and my mummy and the hockey lot.
They've made today amazing.
Thank you.
That was pointless last bit but oh well.
Finger crossed for my xray tomorrow, fuck my ankle ;/.
Anyhow, night xx

I'm only gonna let you kill me once.

Okay it's probably not a good thing that my exam is in twelve hours and I've done no revision right?
It's probably an even worse thing that I don't even care..
Oh my.
Oh well ha.
Night.

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU VERY VERY MUCH.

The word's "best friends" clearly mean nothing anymore.
You will chat all that shit and blame this all on me so I'm in shit then still turn around and text me saying you're always here and that I'm always your best friend? Fuck off, you're a cunt. I never thought I'd get to this point, ever, but I genuinely despise you right now. I'm actually shaking with rage. Fucking piece of shit.
And then the rest of you with all your indirect status' and siding him over me? Screw you then.
I cant wait for me to fuck off and leave you all behind. 'Cause believe me in two weeks that's exactly what's going to happen.
You think I fucking need any of you? I don't need anyone. Especially not fake friends like you. I'll be a success with or without you as friends. Infact actually I've already made it without you, where were you all last year, when I needed someone to be there more than anything? When I didn't have any strength left to carry on, where were you helping me? Ha no where. Fuck you, seriously.
Every man for themselves is the way I'm going to play it now.
And if any of you don't like it then you can sling your hook.
Cunts.
Angry rant, over.

YOU CAN'T TOUCH THIS ;).

You keep going on about it and now I just don't care. Infact I'm very happy right now :').
Happy post for a change. I'm sorry for all the depressing ones, just that's pretty much the only times when I need to write :').
Anyhow toodles.

;/

Oh hai depression welcome back. Boy are you gonna have fun this week, it's gonna be one of the best yet I can just tell. You might want to tell my eyes that someone might try and turn them black, k thanks. That's all. I hope you have fun breaking me down slowly.
And don't worry I've already figured out you can live off lemon squash for like 5 days max (y).

I'm gonna find a way of living without you.

Hmmm if someone would have said to me two months ago the only two people that would put a smile on my face today would be you two I would of just laughed. I never could of imagined it would be you but I'm so glad.
Thank you for making me smile, if only for a little bit. Thank you for backing me up and saying you'll be there. It means so much.
So yeah thank you batman and dunkz, love for you.

Anyhow I really wish this blows over, I'm done with tears it's unreal.

I will let you down, I will make you hurt.

You had this coming all along. If you were a nicer person this shit never would of happened to you. You're a cunt. You deserve to sit and cry. I'm not surprised you've wanted to just disappear for the last two years. Go on, go do everyone a favour and just go. For good. Cut one more time, break that promise to her too, you never were good at keeping them. Hurt one more person why you're at it. Or you could do it and not tell her, like the selfish twat you are. All you've ever done is lie to protect yourself, in fact you've gotten so good at it you don't even realise you are any more. And the worst thing is you still continue to.
Look what you are. You sicken me. I hate you more than anyone I've ever come across.
Every time I look in the mirror I want to physically hurt you.
Becky, you're a disgrace to mankind and I despise you, and have done for a few years now.

Boy you know I'm crazy over you.

No matter what I do all I think about is you. (L)You know what forget it. Forget it all, the one of the only people I really wanted at my birthday thing was you and you're not coming because she doesn't want you to. Thanks, "best friend".
Yanno what if she doesn't make you happy and she stops you from doing what you want why the fuck are you with her. Yeah you love her blahblahblah, but you don't. If you did you wouldn't behave the way you do and you know what I mean. So why carry on pretending seriously? Who's it helping. Not you, you're not happy. Not her, she clearly is paranoid as fuck. And not me, especially not me.
Look at me I'm right back to square one sitting listening to that fucking song crying. Because at this very time of year again you've fucked me over and I hate it but I can't ever, ever bring myself to hate you. Not even dislike you. Believe me I've tried. The worst bit is you know exactly what you're doing.
I still can't forget you even after this long. Thank you for knowing everything I've been through and yet continually trying to break me down even more. And mostly thank you for knowing exactly what to say so that I forgive you every time.
I wish I could hate you, so so badly.

You're everything I thought you never were,
and nothing like I thought you could have been,
and yet you live inside of me so tell me how is that?
You're the only one I wish I could forget,
the only one I love to not forgive,
and though you  break my heart you're the only one
and though there are times when I hate you 'cause I cant erase,
the times that you hurt me and put tears on my face,
and even now when I hate you it pains me to say that I will be there at the end of the day.
I don't wanna be without you babe, I don't want a broken heart.

Damn I wish I woulda seen you coming.

I'm in such an amazing mood it's unreal.
I'm knackered but so happy, I love this.
I have such a good feeling about the next few months.
I can't wait, this is when my life takes off, bring it on ;).

Stop crying your heart out.

I have the biggest screw loose ever, seriously. On a major hype then suddenly I think everyone finds me annoying and hates me. What the actual hell. I'm fucked up.The best bit is I know it's not true but I can't help but tell myself it is, so now I'm debating to go places tomorrow incase actually no one wants me there and of course they'll all just laugh about me after.

And now they all think it's about them, which it is, but I don't want them to know cause then they'll all hate me even more than they do now. Especially him cause obviously he already thinks I'm an obsessive annoying bitch. Oh and a slut because I talk to him a lot aswell now.

Fuck my head. When did I get this bad, seriously. My mood can change it seconds and it's only ever extremes, like crazy happy or mega depressed and I know it pisses everyone else off but I seriously can't help it, I've tried.

And now everyone thinks I'm a mega crazy person. Fun.

I need help. ;/.

I'm more than what you made of me.

FML, it's May already. 17 days until my first exam and I haven't started any of my revision ;\.
It really scares me that I'm seriously not panicked right now.
I so so so should be, but I just have so much cba it's unreal.
I haven't even finished my food tech coursework or my IT and I doubt I will finish them.
My god, this is stupid and I'm trying to get into a major college, ha I'm so stupid the best bit is I don't even care.
Oh dear.
And this means 20 days until Prom YAY ;'D. Oh and 22 days until my birthday, not that anyone cares about that, I hate my birthday, something always goes wrong ha.

Anyhow, I best be off to get ready for shopping ;'D.
Toodles darlings.

Why my name always up in your mouth.

LAUGH MY FUCKING ASS OFF!
Pathetic much? Another rumour. Oh they do crack me up.
I'm going to have the best time ever when, in ten years or so, I'm a bigger success than any of them could ever even dream of. I'll just laugh in there faces and what will they be able to do about it, nothing because by then I will be superior to them in society.
I'm going to be a success, you keep promoting my name my darlings, you may make it that tiny bit harder, but then it'll just be that bit more rewarding in the end.
Dick'eds.

I had the most amazing night training with Arlesey Ladies.
I'm knackered now though so night. xx

"Depression isn't a sign of weakness, but an indication that you've been trying to be too strong for far too long".

Billy Jean was not his lover, of course she wasn't she has a vagina.

I'm so surprised I'm still up.
I haven't drank coke all day, it's been the longest day of my life. I really want a bottle of coke.
But instead I've been drinking water fml.
Oh but I've spent the whole night listening to Jon Lajoie :'). He's actually my idol :').
And then tomorrow I'm seeing how long I can last without facebook, I like to torture myself.

OOOH and for my birthday my sisters are buying me a Jon Lajoie, show me your genitals tshirt. LOVE! ha.
Anywho, night xxx

I know I'm lost but I'm waiting to be found.

I'm fed up of trying to read you so I'm taking my own advice and just getting on focusing on my exams and just going to keep chatting to loads of new people to occupy my mind. Me thinks it should work.

Righty so I've decided tomorrow I'm going to start giving up coke, maybe slowly working my way off it, but I think this is going to be extremely good for me. Man it's going to be hard, ha, I'll keep you posted ;).

Oh and last point, if you are reading this please do not ask me how my knees are anymore. It's not going to magically disappear and being asked every fucking day just reminds me how useless I am, so stop pretty please, thank you.

That's all, ciao x

No body said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard.

I don't understand, all I know is I miss talking to you the way we were.
Quit confusing me now? Thanks.

Dear Becky.

I thought it was time I checked in again baby. See I decided I'm going to make this a regular thing, after all no one knows you better than me, that little voice in your head. I'm sorry I've made the wrong decision about him, I did think that would work, I'm sorry it hasn't, but you'll get there baby, I'm certain of it.

I know since my last letter not everything has gone to plan and some of the choices you've made have made you feel stupid or like you don't deserve to be here, but baby don't focus on them, they don't matter the only thing that matters is what you do in the future, to learn from the mistakes. 

I know you've learnt from your old ones. Remember when you didn't ever respect yourself, well clearly you've proved you do now. I'm so proud of you for telling that cunt where to stick it, believe me I am. And I know your best friend is too and if your mother knew, I'm certain she'd be more than proud of you. Now you've just got to continue to make her proud, she deserves it, you deserve it.

I know your going the right way about things what with the volunteering and thinking about your future but baby try that little bit harder and everything will be that little bit better, one hundred and ten percent okay. Maybe in doing this think about resting for a bit, you're not superwoman, you do want to be able to walk in a years time right? Just think, screw your head on.

I didn't write this to nag, I wrote it to tell you to keep your head up because at the moment you seem to be letting it slip and it doesn't need to. You're an amazing person baby and I for one am extremely proud of you. Keep shining, you'll get there, I know it.

Love, your alter ego, Rebekah.

Oh and baby, don't ever ever even think about that. I know the little thrill you got there, just stop, who's that going to help really? Idiot.

no matter what I do.

It's amazing how I want to blog but the only thing I can't write about is that. Everything else I want to write about, I blank, it just doesn't matter like that does.


Oh and yesterday was the 20th of April, I bet you don't even remember that date do you?


You win.
You still have it.
You always have had it.
Break it again, I dare you.

After all the things we've been through.

Mmm so I can't even talk about that on here. And the more I push it to the back of my mind the more you bring it up, fantastic (y).
Lying to myself and everyone else, that's always great.

I also don't want to write about you either, because well it scares me and I don't even think you like talking to me so yanno, a point there, I do not see one.

Wow for once I don't have anything more to say. I can't even trust writing my shit on here anymore.
Oh the fun.
Goodbye.

oh dear.

No. No. No. No. No. No. 
Stop it.
Stop making me smile so much. Stop being there and just making me laugh.
Stop just having your silly name there and making me smile.
This isn't good.
Stop it.
I can't. I won't. I don't want to.


s/lfjkxbnxol vp. ;/.

I'm happy though, that's good :).

my knees, they hurt.

Hmmmm, I have this ridiculous smile on my face.
Thanks, really awesome guy that bought me a drink ;)(L).

This ain't a love song this is goodbye.

EEEEE I love love love love love talking to you!
I shouldn't. No I really shouldn't. I especially shouldn't sit here in your jumper and talk to you with the biggest smile on my face cause right now you're one of the few people that makes me completely forget about talking to him, ha.
Can't wait for Friday now, best come out or I won't be happs you ;).
Ahhh ;'D.

So tonight was amazing, I love them lot too ha.
Tomorrow physio and then seeing my Randz. EEEE I love holidays ;'D.

Happy Becky me thinks.

For now I spend the rest of the night avec my best friend :). Lucky me ;'D.

Why oh why.

"Why is it whenever I've been drinking, I always end up taking my clothes off ;/".
So today I was asking myself this, yet again.
Paha and it was you that made it happen. We're hardly, actually no wait, we're basically not talking and yet some how you get me out of my clothes. But this time not trying to use me for sex but because you thought it'd be funny if we all played strip blackjack. Argh you're just a cunt ha. Mind my language. Actually no don't, it's okay because you deserve it. Walking around like I'm the one that's done wrong, never replying to my texts if I send them. Only responding to me in person if I say something first and then you'll be short. So yeah, when I'm rude to you, don't go giving me some death stares, you deserve all that's coming your way you prick.
On a better note tonight was good times.
Infact since thursday has been amazing times.
All the time with my sisters and nephews and daddys, EEEEE. And and and we went to the farm today! YAY! I love the farm, I was more excited than Kai was ha.
I love my Kai and he cried when he left me, nawrrr bless him. I better see him soon or I'll die.
Speaking of people I best see soon or I'll die. I miss Rachael and Sally. It's been far too long.
Rachael if you're reading this, ring me in the morning? Ha.

I can't wait for the rest of Easter but for now good night ;).

You don't wanna see road rage ;)

oh hai gorgeous :).
So yesterday was an amazing day, apart from feeling ill of course, ha. I got to speak to my Kai pie on the phone, he's adorable and then gym and dance. Oh dear that was kind of, absolutely amazing! I kinda fucked up a bit but  I managed to fix it ;) And playing phone book roulette and just running around taking random photo's with the most random people, ahh I love my friends.

Today despite of illness I am extremely happy. EEE I shouldn't like talking to you as much as I do should I? Ha oh well. Actually cannot wait for tonight, going to be good times :').
Then tomorrow until Tuesday with the daddy, sisters and nephews (L).
Wednesday skins party.
And the rest of Easter, it just all equals, YAYAYAYAYAY ;).

Anyhow, chow for now ;).

SJKBFGVALD J,V

Dear food tech,
I've never hated anything in this world more than I hate you. The only reason why I took you is because I need to reinforce in my head that my place is in the kitchen. Never once did I anticipate that at half two in the morning I would be writing about peas. Fucking peas, that's what you've brought my life to. And now I have to write about some pie charts and then write about bread and sauce and other shit I couldn't care less about. I don't like eating, I don't like food, I don't like writing about food and I don't even like cooking food any more, why on this earth did I ever ever pick this subject.
If your coursework wasn't 50% of your whole GCSE I'd just say fuck off and if I can't get most of you done in the next hour this is probably the exact thing I will be saying.
Rightyo, I'll see you in a second you complete and utter piece of wank :).

Hi, I'm a failure, but it's okay appaz I'll get money other ways :')

I offically fail, I can't physically stay up any longer and I still have like 30 pages left.
I don't even care any more ha.
Night.

-.-

FML. I hate food tech.

Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back

Born a paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl.
Maybe if I act like that, flipping my blonde hair back,
push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl.

Oh hey sexy :). How've you been?
I love how I speak to this as if it's a real person that I can trust ha.


So today's been great. I love being happy again.Everyone prefers happy Becky right ;).
Oh and tomorrow whole day off timetable to sit  and eat shit *punches air in joy*. Ha, I need to stop doing that air punching thing, I mean I've always done it secretively cause I thought it was lame but then you did it and I kinda thought oh okay I'm not the only one, but now, you're just lame :') ha. OH 11:11 quick make a wish! I'm cool ;).


I'm so so excited about Wednesday and Thursday night, they should be good times man.
And Friday seeing my daddy, all of my sisters AND my gorgeous amazing nephews, EEEE.
I so can't wait.
In fact I can't wait for the whole of Easter, it's going to be pretty darn amazing!
Camping, Nottingham, Manchester, Skins party, excessive amounts of alcohol, BRING IT ON ;'D.


Can anyone tell I'm really happy? Ha.


I should probably sleep yanno ;L.
Night darling.

I'm trouble yeah.

Hmm hi :).
So last night was completely amazing. You didn't ruin the way I felt at all and I had the best time I could have. I'm done with you now, if you want to talk I'm here, of course I will be, I'm a good person and I promised I'd always be there, but that's all it'll be for, to talk. See I never deserved this and now I see it. I owe that to my friends. The hockey lot just made me properly realise last night.
EEEE it was so so so good. This time I didn't get too drunk or hysterical, I got drunk enough though, this morning sure made me realise that ha. I've fallen over and bruised my actual knee cap so now I can hardly walk. I broke the flippy thingy on my phone so now I have to have the other back. They rang you up and screamed at you, ha dick'ed ;). I convinced everyone my middle name was actual Pythagoras ha! All in all fantastic night me thinks :').
I LOVE LGC HOCKEY CLUB :').

And the rest of the weekend has been boom, with my Rachael.
Smile bubba, I LOVE YOU!

EEEE Becky is happy. Everyone loves happy Becky.
You'll see what you've missed so and I, well I'll revel in it ;).

Where are you now? Now that I need you.

Hmmm, once again my blog is going to be about you. This is the first Friday since then end of December, at least, that I haven't been with you or spent at least an hour on the phone to you. I never knew this week would be so hard and the worst bit is you don't even seem to care, it's crazy.You've told people other stories so I'm the one that comes across badly, thank you so much, you knew everything and now you run away (Y).
Forget you. Ha, if only I could that easily.

Today was the biggest fail ever, I'm knackered from working myself so hard and yet I couldn't even complete what I was meant to because of my fucking knees. I so can't carry on like this, fuck my life ha.

So now I have my Randz to cheer me up, good times. It makes me realise how much I love my friends, it's all okay :).

Toodles.

HAKUNA MATATA IT MEANS NO WORRIES ;')

Hmm so after feeling like shit for third and fourth lesson I now feeling amazing.
And I have written inspirational quotes all over the front of my English book because I am that cool. Personally my favourite is "TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!" Paha I'm cool ;).
"You will love again the stranger who was yourself."
I know I will, I'll get there. I'll learn to love myself again, I'll be content with my life. I feel that day will be coming soon, it's been a long time coming really, this is fab ;). Ha, that's a lame word ;).

So today's been a bit up and down. I caved in too. That's bad times, I think, although I'm not completely sure, we'll see I guess.
Gym and dance in a week, fml :| ha and food tech deadline a week tomorrow, oh this is funny times, ha oh well :).
For now I'm going to revision timetable it up and watch despo wifeys, hell to the yes :')
Night xx


OH AND GIANT SIGH OF RELIEF!
Oh my goodness, I've never been more happy about this happening ever ha.

when you lose something you can't replace.

Hmmm okay so today really made things hit home. I miss you.
There's no other way to put it.
Times like now when I don't get a good night text. Or waking up in the morning to nothing.
See I'm so used to being woken up by a text now I just automatically wake up around the time you used to send them, only to sit there for ten minutes then realise and crawl back under the covers not wanting to move any more.
And I've been texting tonnes of people to try and keep my hands busy and fill in that void, but it doesn't work, they're not you. No one is, it's not the same, in the slightest. 
I don't get this. Today when you sat next to me, yeah to start with that was a bit awkward but then you started joking with me like you used to and then in P.E it was the same mostly, you don't want to stop behaving like that with me, and I don't you, so why are we doing this? I don't understand. The trust thing, I do trust you, more than anyone. I promise. 
I don't care if we don't go there again, okay actually that's a lie, but actually mostly I just want to talk to you. 
You became like my closest friend, I spoke to you from when I woke up to when I went to sleep and now nothing at all. It hurts so bad.
I know in front of people I act like I don't care, but you of all people know that's just my act. They can't know I fail at being happy, you can't know to be honest, but you do, 'cause you're the only one who understood me. You get why I do it, because you do it too. You knew me more than anyone. 
I guess it's like I almost need you?
Ha look at me, I'm so pathetic.


Hmm so yeah basically today I realised I miss you, a hell of a lot, especially talking to you.
Just come back, it'll be different, I promise you.
;/.




Ha. Every one reading this now things I need to get a grip.
I agree, I'm pathetic.
Fuck this, night.

hmm :)

Oh hi smile.
About time you reappeared.
Turns out I really didn't care as much as I first thought.
Wow I'm so good at this whole not letting people get too close thing now, and this is why, it's paying off :').
Pahaa.
Now all I have to say is, bring it on coursework, then I can laugh in Miss Robertsons face like she did mine :').

.

YOUR A COMPLETE AND UTTER ASSHOLE!
I DON'T WANT TO "JUST BE FRIENDS".
I DON'T WANT TO BE ANYWHERE NEAR YOU RIGHT NOW.
ARGHH, SUCH A FUCKING MALE! ;/


now I've gotta go to this fucking dinner dance and my make ups all down my face, thanks for picking such a great moment (Y).
I'm so fed up of being like this.

ha mug.

You, amazing you, the person who could make my day.
Yeah you just broke it.
I let you in, I showed you that letter. That was me trusting you. I thought you cared and then you went and said that, now I believe you're only in this for one thing and I'm no longer that type of girl, at all.
I thought you liked me, for real, not just saying it. And you still say you do, a lot, you just said the wrong thing at the wrong moment, but I don't know if I believe you. 
Yeah I trust you, otherwise I never would have shown you that letter, but I don't believe it.
You weren't meant to make me cry, not yet anyway, and now look at me, I've been crying for the past two hours straight.
You say you don't want to hurt me, but look at me, when you left my make-up was run all over my face, did you want this? Really?
Right now I feel like a complete mug, I fell for it once again, once again I was gullable enough to believe all those lies, now I just need to know the truth, what do you want from this? Me? Or yeah?
I want an honest answer 'cause there's no way I deserve to be that hurt all over again.


Think about it, I'll be waiting.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

you just cant get enough can you ;/.

Since I was about four you've stolen everything and everyone off of me, I should've known this wouldn't be any different. Why would it be? You're still the selfish two faced lying bitch you've always been, you're pathetic.
Ha I'm meant to be a close friend, one you've known since play group and you treat me this way.
Have them go on, if they end up being mine you'll want them anyway it's obvious, and when it's me or you there not really any contest is there? The only thing I've got that you don't have is a brain. You may me one of the dumbest pieces of shit I've ever met so you play on your looks and your figure. And yeah there not that great but they're better than mine, so you'll just use them to behave in such a slaggish way it's unreal.
ARGH! Selfish piece of shit, fucking wanker faced ass hole! 
asjklfafkv djfnmalsn -.-

Ahh now physio, allow.
On a smilier note, it's Friday.

:))

Hmm, you've really blown it mate.
She never deserved that, none of us did. I hope it completely ruined your birthday you inconsiderate asshole. :).

On a happier note you make me tremendous amounts of happy. Hmm I can't wait for tomorrow night. EEE.

Allow coursework I'm knackered.
Night gorgeous.

.

You're a headfuck.

I don't understand (Y)

This appears to be going NOWHERE!
Why the fuck am I still trying. I want to say I'm done, but clearly that would just be lies.
Fuck sake ;/.

She always feels so small,

pushed aside, a flower on the wall
they never ask her name
no one sees, the girl without a face
she spills these words across the page
it helps to ease the pain, and she cries

nobody out there wants to understand
nobody out there takes me as I am
I’m feeling alone here
I know there’s got to be somebody somewhere.

That’s all she wrote.

i wont tell anyone how you turn my world around

I wont tell anybody how your voice is my favourite sound

wont tell anybody, wont tell anybody,

they wanna see us fall, they wanna see us fall,

I don't need a parachute baby if I've got you.

Wow I haven't been like this in so so long. So so happy, it kinda scares me if I'm completely honest.

It's all your doing, I hope you know that. You're just plain amazing if I'm being perfectly honest.

I'm terrified.

EEEEE. Such a good weekend. NEW SHOES! Oh my, I'm in love with them! Both of my new pairs of heels, the flats are nice too but no one really cares about flats.

Seeing daddy and having football, which was quite a jokes game to be honest, my knees are going to pay tomorrow though.

Ahh get to see my Rachael tomorrow too, happy times, I think so.

I thinks I'm going to go sleeps so that I can await my text in the morning that will read something like, "morning beautiful, how did you sleep?xxxx". Cute much :').

Oh but before I go.

Happy mothers day mummy.

You're like one of my closest friends, I know you don't read this but hay hoe you can have a mention anyway.

Thank you for everything you've done and continue to do.

You're my idol; everything I wish I could be.

I love you with all my heart; forever and a day.

Nights xxx

:')

I LOVE MY BEST FRIEND ALOT
SALLY CHARLOTTE PRIDMORE (L)

:D

Mood = a lot better.
Right now I feel way more loved, clever, appriciated and mostly happy. Yay.
Although your comment pissed me off but hay hoe.
I love talking to you again to, man you make me smile.
Eeeee, night bubba's.

and i will try to fix you.

"gotta believe without it there is no reason to live!"

Mhmm exactly, and I'm losing all belief in not only myself but everything around me so why should I continue.
I'm not fucking living at the moment, I'm barely surviving.
I'm fed up of feeling like this. If happiness is just a state of mind, someone please teach me how to get into it, because surprise surprise, I fail.
Back into the cycle I go, exactly like last year.
Oh well if I hit rock bottom again the only way is up right.

My blog is so happy these days ha.
Fuck it. Night.

HA :')

My paranoia has moved on a step.
This is wonderful, I feel so low all the time at the moment, fml.

I didn't know where this was going when you kissed me.

Are you mine? Are you mine?
'Cause I stay here all the time, watching tele, drinking wine.
Who'd have known, who'd have known, when you flash up on my phone I no longer feel alone.


Woah. The amount of people that have treated me like complete shit today is unreal. Yanno what though, fuck you, I don't care.
My knees are killing.
And, I can't believe I doubted you. I'll probably end up regretting saying that but oh well ha.
It was amazing you just ringing me and telling me you'd be round in a minute, such a surprise, but exactly what I needed to put a smile back on my face. You always know how to make me smile though, ahh I'm so glad I have you there, you're always there, thank you, so much.
I still don't know where we stand though ha, it's confusing me a tad.


Hmm allow tomorrow, especially english ;/.
Ahh fuck it, I'm gone bed, night.


Told your friends, they all know, we exist but we're taking it slow.
Lets just see how we go, now lets just see how we go.

FIX UP LOOK SHARPPPP

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
THREE HOURS FORTY MINUTES UNTIL I SEE MY BABY.

HE'S JUST A RASCAL DIZZEE RASCAL (L).

EVERYTHING I'M SAYING I'M SHOUTING!
I EXCITE ;'D.

;'/

I want to break down and cry.
I need to know what's going on, for real.
Do I seriously deserve this?
Fuck sake.

you dont like me you just want the attention

My paranoia session I've had over the last few days has gone, I think, I hope.
I sincerely hope this doesn't become a regular thing ha. God help me and everyone else if it does ;/.
I may still ask though, just to see where I really do stand.
I'll do it tomorrow, face to face as I am not one to suffer from shyness. Ha.

I've been so happy today, it has been an amazing change from the past few days.
I think my pains just killed my mood with everything, I was a tad too grumpy maybe? Ha.
Oh wells they've gone, hopefully never to come back after I've gone to the doctors. Yay for that yes? ;).

I think its time for my nightly nap ;).
Tomorrow, revision and relaxation, yay? :|.
Ha, night xx

i hate PE :|

Oh. My. Good. God.
Its Three in the morning and I am STILL doing PE coursework.
Shoot me now?
I'm all out of coke, god help me is all I have to say right now. :'|.

Oh and god help anyone that annoys me tomorrow! ha.

it don't mean that you have me yet.

That's so fucking charming, "Nothing makes me happy these days."
Thanks.
I just don't know, I feel like complete worthless shit today.
Why am I so jealous of her? Okay now I feel as if maybe I have every right to be.
She's gorgeous, then look at me, ha, I don't really compare do I?
If you're not in this for any reason but me, then please just leave. This may sound vain but there is no way on this earth I deserve to be treated that way again, like I'm second best, even if I am.
I don't want you to have to "settle" for second best.
If that leaves me alone so be it, I'll get there at some point, at some point in my life I'll be happy, for a long long time.
For now I just count down the days until I can get away and make that dream come true I guess.


Everything went wrong today. My coursework still isn't done but quite frankly I'm back to the point where I don't care about much again, which is just fab 8-).


Argh, I'm going bed.
Night.

a kiss with a fist is better than none.

Such a good weekend :').

Friday 2 hour phone call, then just round Rachaels was good times. Love for our "lets just eat everything in the house" sessions haha.

The Saturday going daddy's and shopping round Bedford with my new sexy umbrella, chinese for dindins and talking about good times.

Then today, shopping again, yay. Coming home and just spending time with you, only if it was a few hours. Beating you at chess, ha we're cool. Hmm you amaze me.

Then mummy spending over two hundred quid on dresses for me :'). This is good times.

Everything is so perfect, so why am i doing that. I don't want to ruin it, but if i carry on and you find out, it's inevitable. I will stop, I promise, no more. That's the old me, as much as its easy to be her I know deep down I don't want to be.

For now, I have three litres of coke so bring it on coursework! ha (a).

Ciao.

eeeeee

Everything about you makes me smile beyond belief.I haven't been like this in so so long.
Thank you. Thank you so much.

Me encanta tu, tienes mi corazon.

EEEEEEEE ;).

help me to believe this time

I'M SO HAPPY :').

That's all. 

you are such a male

Ahhhh bludy hell, I feel crappy (Y).

:')

"You're a disgrace... I'm proud".

Ha I love the quotes Rachael comes out with.

I just love her really.

I can't believe I lost all of my coursework, fucking kill me now?

I hate that god damn memory stick to be honest.

Tonight has cheered me up greatly from that little episode though.
Rachael and Sally, possibly the best people on this planet.
Then on the phone for an hour just smiling :').
Ahh I'm cute ha.

"We're going to be all right baby."
I agree, we are, everything is going good, this is perfect :').

And Dino survived the apocalypse.
Everything is right with the world.

Once again I have infected you with my happiness, I'm proud.
Good night xx

blonde..

haaa i tried to follow someone else and somehow followed myself? lmao :')

you got the love i need to see me through

Why hello darling, don't worry, I've missed you too ;).

Do you know what I've decided? I'm so thankful for my life right now.

I promised myself at the start of this year it wouldn't be anything like last year, that I would somehow turn everything I possibly could into a positive and I have. To be honest I've never been happier.

All my coursework is slowly but surely getting up to date and I have to say I am actually rather proud of some of it. I know pride is a sin but forgive me?

I have the most amazing friends EVER. Seriously they put such huge smiles on my face and I know that they are always here when I need them, they're cute.

Then there's you. I don't even know. You just make me smile. Yeah there's a bit of me that still isn't sure because well I've not let anyone in in so long, but you are basically me, you understand me, it's truly amazing. Just know this make take time because well I'm a bit scared but my second new years resolution solves this dilemma for me. Shrodingers cat; you never know until you open the box :).

My amazing family too. Spending time with my daddy and sisters and nephews this weekend was just the best. I don't think there has ever been a time when I haven't been happy when I'm with my nephews, they're like my everything. My sisters are too, especially my little sister these days, she's like one of the closest friends I have, I love that. Daddy and mummy too. I seriously am blessed.

I don't even care who thinks this is stupid, but turning back to religion at the beginning of this year I feel has really helped me. I have faith in not only myself but everyone else around me, I think this has really helped me.

Everything's going so right right now, I'm so happy, I even have a huge smile just writing this.

I just thought I'd inform you.

Also smile bubba's :).

Anyhow now I'm off to my bed to do more coursework until ridiculous times in the morning,

bye.

:)

Wow last night = truly amazing. I love my friends so much.

I haven'y slept, but my power nap means I am actually not very tired right now. I should probably eat but that will most probably make me ill so I'm going to pass on that one, ha.

Now I guess I best tidy up seen as my house is trashed and mother doesn't actually know I had a rather large sized gathering ha.

Thank you all for making last night amazing, I love you guys.

I'm not your toy, see you around I guess.

Woah, I haven't written in so long, ha.
Ha, I turn on the Brit awards and the first person that's on is Dizzee Rascal, fait? I think so ;). I'm a tad to obsessed maybe, LOL.

Anyhow my weekend has been great :').
Friday night at George's was pretty good if I'm honest, I love my friends so so much.
Then Saturday shopping with the best friend, was good times.Then we went to Alex's and got ready for Rebecca and Charlotte's party. Which was amazing from what I remember, LOL at the lies I was told by someone though and I actually believed you that night, never again.
Sunday then I had to wake up early and play football, still a bit drunk, but it was funny. Every time I kicked the ball I thought I was going to fall over and Zoe nearly stamped on my head LOL. Had to play the whole game as well as we only had ten players, still won though, well done girls :). After that I went to Rachael's and had my face painted as a panda, as you do. Was Hilarious if you ask me ha.
Then yesterday with my best friend after I got my hair cut, which I don't like, full fringe :| ahh. Paha funny things last night though and I feel this has to be mentioned.
I said you only had one chance left and I'm a girl of my word. The only reason you spoke to me was to have ago at me for something I never even did. I seriously do not need a "best" friend who is going to treat me like a second class citizen when actually I've always been the bigger person when it came to us. I've always been the one to apologize and sort everything out, not this time though. You blew it. I can't take it any more. You walk around as if I deserve all this and you deserve nothing. I'm actually the one that doesn't deserve your crap mate, I hope you come to realize what big a mistake you've made. I guess I always was way better off without you.

Anyhow just had football training now I'm sorting out and then having a night in with my best friend, sounds good to me.
Bye for now bubba's xx




& now you want to pretend that your a superstar
& all you want is to end what's taken you this far
don't tell me that you're done as far as we go
you need to have a sit down with your ego.
When everyone's gone and you're all by yourself
you know you're gonna come to me for help
don't tell me that its time for going solo
you need to have a sit down with you ego.

all good things must end..

You, just you, there's no other way for me to start this but to say I am sorry.

I don't even know what for, I always seem to be the one saying it without knowing why, all I know is I truly am.

More than anything though I want to thank you. Thank you for everything you've done, even hurting me. See 'cause even when you hurt me, you made me stronger and when I really did need you, you were there. Maybe not so much any more, but you were. I guess that's basically my point. I feel this, her, is the beginning of our end. I get why don't worry, it's okay, and even when it goes pear shaped I'll be here for you, I promise. What sort of close friend would I be if I didn't? 

It wont be easy though, and forgive me if I try and hold on for a little bit. I sort of have to. I some how can't come to grips with it completely being the end I guess. I've even made friends with someone in order to save our friendship, you didn't see that one coming did you, ha. You used to be everything back when I had nothing and no you're turning into the nothing, you can see why that'd hard right?

And if I come out with random outbursts of anger, forgive me for that too. I know I've done this in the past, but when I didn't speak to you for a week, it was the harder, longest week ever. I'll have to get used to it I suppose.

So just thank you, for being there and just reassuring me when nothing was going right.
Thank you for putting huge smiles on my face constantly.

Thank you for making me strong.

Thank you for bringing me close to all these amazing people.

But mostly, thank you for being you.

I'll miss you freak ;).

xxxx

mannnn

I've missed talking to you. Always did make me smile.

mmmm

I have so many things i want to say, i just don't know the words. ;/
Its amazing how much i don't know right now, about everything. I've never been the type to not know, i don't handle it well. Everyone comes to me for answers and now i don't have them, what do i do?
Its like everything just happens at once as well, it's crazy and my forty minute jog did not help anything. Also it made my ankle injury come back, not overly happy about that. Now i have bad knees, a terrible ankle and a bruised bone in my finger, god help me tomorrow ha.
I'm going to stay positive though i decided, it cant get that bad again, never, i wont let it.
WOAH i'm tired all the time recently ha.
What the last three days have made me realise is how much i love my best friend and leonie brydon and kelley wray. My saviours much ha.

Oh my i love asda right now too, they have my bra size i was so amazed by this, bye bye £25 per bra at la senza ;) ha.
Tomorrows tuesday, yay, love for them days tbh.
I write so much crap on here lmao.
Anyhow i guess i best sleep, night xx

.

hmmmm,
this week has been so so crap, i cant wait for the next one.
even though im dreading english tomorrow.
and eurgh i feel so confused and also let down
im so confused about this,
you're the only person i can actually have an intellectual conversation with
and i love talking to you
but no, i just dont think so .. ;/
and eurgh you, always, its like you dont have time for me anymore
when i need you most
what happened to us staying just as close huh?
now all of a sudden we're hardly anything anymore, i realy dont like it, at all ;/

haa i feel like crying right noww ;/
HAAA
im pathetic.

HAA

i was gonna write a nice little blog but you just ruined it
you serious are a dickhead and the worst bit is we still put up with you in hope
you know what you mean to us and yet you dont care one bit about us
just no, not for me, for her.
im strong, shes not so strong.


andd woahhhh i feel mean about yesterday
shes gonna kill me if she finds out ;/ HAAA

only boring people get bored.

i am led to believe my illness is due to over tiredness, yet this does not mean i will go to sleep ontime anytime soon...
i have unbelievable amounts of cba right now. however i have actually done quite a bit of my media work so i am rather proud of that
who knows what im doing tonight, i so hope im allowed out or i may cry pahaa.
ive just realised how boring my life has become in the last few days, i dont like it.
someone bring me some excitement please?
i'll love you forever?
haaa

right now im going to get in the bath, and then do my hair because i have nothing better to do with my time, yays for me. ha.
xx

today i have posted to many blogs

"be not afraid of greatness,
some were born great,
some achieve greatness
and some have greatness thrust upon them"


today despite everything i am now in a rather jolly mood
my physiotherapist has though now made my knee kill 
but i have to say the highlight of my day was cracking up at whoever made that facebook group about me being a sket
HA love for them
made my night :')


i've decided im not gonna be that person who gives up all hope again
ive gotta keep my head held high and im gonna do it, 
cause i can see myself slowly creeping back into this downwards spiral that i dont want to be in


i think most things ive had to say today and been quite clear in previous blogs tonight, 
and im extreme amounts of tired
so night night xxxx

mmm

go play in traffic.

arghhh

This isn't here for you to be nosey then bitch about what I put.
It's not for you, it's for my gain.
Please fuck off and grow the fuck up.
Dickhead.

:'/

my dearest friend,
if i can still call you that.
i feel as if it is important to let you know, i'm okay. I mean there's been up and downs and times when all i wanted was to talk to you but i've pulled through, just like you said i always would.
More importantly i think you really should know there's not a day when i don't think about you. we used to talk everyday about everything, you were the only one i ever really trusted and then you made me lose all faith in everyone. you knew everything and yet walked away knowing i was probably unable to cope, but then again i guess you knew i had it in my right? you always believed in me, even when i didn't believe in myself. you ran to help me when i was about to do something completely stupid, you were like my superman in some ways i guess. At least everyday there's a point when ill think about something that will upset me and i'll go to text you 'cause you're the only one who really understands or i'd be over happy and want to text you so you could join me. 
just tuesday after the funeral there was only one person i wanted to call, you. you always knew what to say to put my head up again and you always knew how to make me laugh even when i didn't want to, whether it was telling me a truly awful joke or talking to me about peas ha.
i remember the first time i ever met you and you gave me your jacket when i was shivering because well you have such a kind heart and then you went and ran through the fountain in town, in the middle of december, ha you were soaked. and the time after that you were all spraying deodorant on your arms and then setting them light, oh my i was so scared when you started doing that, like crazy scared, but it made us all laugh.
and that party, i don't know why i was just have uncontrollable crying fits and you were there, you always were, we just went in to a corner and had our chats. That was the first time you spoke to me about her, you had such a smile on your face. i never ever wanted to ruin what you two had believe me, i was so happy that you were happy, you deserve to be. i get why it all happened, i understand why you said the things to me that you did, you thought it would be easier for both of us if i hated you right? so you gave me a reason to. truth is i never really hated you, not one little bit. i couldn't possibly, you helped me too much. And i remember my then boyfriend didn't ever understand why i was crying so much at the fact of losing you. no one really did. i saw it in your eyes when i walked past you that you were sorry, so i think you should know, you are forgiven. you always have been and i'm sorry too. 
maybe not for that whole situation, i still don't feel that was much my fault, but for not listening to you. you always helped me and hardly ever did i ask how you were feeling, i wish i did. i truly am sorry if you wanted me to, i hope you forgive me for that.
i'm writing this as today i was walking home and walked past you and we didn't smile at each other not even half heartedly, we didn't even exchange a glance. if i'm honest, it broke my heart. i wish i had a chance to go back and keep you safe with me, but it's too late for that now.
my dearest friend, i miss you with my whole heart, everyday.

(L)

It ain't easy to say goodbye
darling please don't start to cry
Cause girl you know I've got to go, oh
Lord I wish it wasn't so

Save tonight
and fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow
tomorrow I'll be gone

Save tonight
and fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow
tomorrow I'll be gone 


<3

;/

today has been an emotional day, i cant count the amount of times ive just cried
it only really hit today,
the service wade beautiful though, what he deserved,
rest in peace gareth lusty, forever missed baby <3

his family are in my prayers.


it made me realise how much i love my friends and family
ahh my friends today keeping eachother strong,
i love you guys, alot.

i dont think anything more is to be said,
except sweet dreams angel xx

woahhh

who'd have known one piece of writing could make me feel so sad and yet so scared at the same time
i haven't cried so much since the whole thing happened, i have even really thought about it all, i've just sort of pushed it to one side
and everyone thats read it so far has cried ha, imagine if they went through it
im so dreading her reading it, well not really reading more asking me if i want help
actually she'll probably just take it further without asking
i dont know if i could cope with that
oh my, i still cant believe i handed it in,
i never talk to anyone about anything, i even found it so hard to write it down
and yet i did and i hadnt it to her,
and she could give it to anyone
its her job to inform someone,
why did i do it, why. ;/

major love for leonie brydon tonight, im glad i can tell her this sort of shizzle yanno :)
ive already said that before but hay hoe ;L

ahh im so tired and ceebs for anymore coursework but it so needs to get done,
ahh it can wait till after my sleep i guess ;)

oh tomorrow is going to be so so horrible,
im gonna cry i can tell,
rest in piece gareth <3




and one last thing argh you!
she tells you not to wear them bracelets so you listen to her
you're talking to her again so you dont have time for me anymore
i dont know why i put up with it
i swear to god if you get with her,
you'll lose me all together and i mean it this time
and so does she tooo.
you just dont do that,
but watch me put up with you until that happens, ima dick.



Despite of all this, im in an alrighty mood :)
night bubba's xxx


im not your number one enemy although you seem to be getting me a little confused with the way you're treating me, we get along every now and then, we need to tie up the loose ends...
stop im not your number one enemy