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my dearest friend,
if i can still call you that.
i feel as if it is important to let you know, i'm okay. I mean there's been up and downs and times when all i wanted was to talk to you but i've pulled through, just like you said i always would.
More importantly i think you really should know there's not a day when i don't think about you. we used to talk everyday about everything, you were the only one i ever really trusted and then you made me lose all faith in everyone. you knew everything and yet walked away knowing i was probably unable to cope, but then again i guess you knew i had it in my right? you always believed in me, even when i didn't believe in myself. you ran to help me when i was about to do something completely stupid, you were like my superman in some ways i guess. At least everyday there's a point when ill think about something that will upset me and i'll go to text you 'cause you're the only one who really understands or i'd be over happy and want to text you so you could join me. 
just tuesday after the funeral there was only one person i wanted to call, you. you always knew what to say to put my head up again and you always knew how to make me laugh even when i didn't want to, whether it was telling me a truly awful joke or talking to me about peas ha.
i remember the first time i ever met you and you gave me your jacket when i was shivering because well you have such a kind heart and then you went and ran through the fountain in town, in the middle of december, ha you were soaked. and the time after that you were all spraying deodorant on your arms and then setting them light, oh my i was so scared when you started doing that, like crazy scared, but it made us all laugh.
and that party, i don't know why i was just have uncontrollable crying fits and you were there, you always were, we just went in to a corner and had our chats. That was the first time you spoke to me about her, you had such a smile on your face. i never ever wanted to ruin what you two had believe me, i was so happy that you were happy, you deserve to be. i get why it all happened, i understand why you said the things to me that you did, you thought it would be easier for both of us if i hated you right? so you gave me a reason to. truth is i never really hated you, not one little bit. i couldn't possibly, you helped me too much. And i remember my then boyfriend didn't ever understand why i was crying so much at the fact of losing you. no one really did. i saw it in your eyes when i walked past you that you were sorry, so i think you should know, you are forgiven. you always have been and i'm sorry too. 
maybe not for that whole situation, i still don't feel that was much my fault, but for not listening to you. you always helped me and hardly ever did i ask how you were feeling, i wish i did. i truly am sorry if you wanted me to, i hope you forgive me for that.
i'm writing this as today i was walking home and walked past you and we didn't smile at each other not even half heartedly, we didn't even exchange a glance. if i'm honest, it broke my heart. i wish i had a chance to go back and keep you safe with me, but it's too late for that now.
my dearest friend, i miss you with my whole heart, everyday.